Some days just make you wonder. I think this has been one of them. I've thought about a lot, mostly around in circles, coming to no conclusions. It hasn't been a bad day or a sad day or a traumatic day. It was actually very happy, because I was much relieved the dog is seeming much better. Still a bit worried, but he's back to playing and acting his normal self.

Sometimes I am just a little ill at ease with hearing what some people think and being so exposed as to hear those things, even when those things are balanced by other things that other people say.

When in the same day you can be called a role model and thanked for the reality check and inspiration to pursue individual happiness and scary crazy with a guy that must be even scarier and crazier it is to say the least pause for thought.

I really don't know what to think of that. It's a little confusing. On one hand there are so many different people in the world with so many different thoughts and perceptions rooted in their own experiences, and what anyone says about the things I write or the life I live says a lot more about them than it does me. I am just me, the same person, when someone says good or someone says bad. What's said doesn't change me, doesn't make me any better or worse. I'm just me.

But it actually does change me, that's the catch. Every experience I have makes a permanent impression, however so small they are individually, cumulatively in the long run I do change what I feel, what I think, how I act, ultimately who I am, becoming a different person from them, because what things people say to me are my experiences, whatever is said.

That's the same for everyone, and more than anything I usually wonder what kind of experiences other people have had that are behind whatever they say. I don't know often and can not often put the pieces of that puzzle together.

It makes me wonder. It makes me wonder a lot pondering questions I can't answer hoping that when that inevitable change happens from all these experiences that it is a change for the better, not the worse.

I am acutely aware of just how profoundly I changed under the influence of one person. That was one person I knew well and had all the context required to be able to weigh his words for what they really meant about me. I don't know most of the people I hear words now from at all and lack that kind of context to be able to accurately see me from any of their eyes.

It makes me feel uncertain, because I'm not entirely certain the words of some random stranger in the end will have any less impact than the words of someone well known, well loved, and well respected for his insights and caring.

It makes me feel conflicted, too. Should I say this? Should I say that? I have no answer. I'd like to say a lot of things. I'd like to say I'm docile and I'm easy and I'm desperate to please and desperate to suck your cock sometimes and not feel awkward and uneasy that no matter what expression I make how there is no way everyone will approve of it. I'd even like to pander on occasion to the mysoginist fantasy and revel in momentary self-loathing. I'd like to be hear an excited person call me a vile, shit eating pig piece of fuck meat any day over someone questioning my romantic expressions or lack thereof.

I'd like to hear someone say they wanted to beat my ass and feel like I could safely acknowledge it as the compliment it was, without worrying if some well intended but misguided person would feel the need to rescue me from myself or from my owner and utterly ruin my life. Please, beat my ass. Hit me, hurt me, use me, abuse me, call me Edna, even. I won't take it personally, will likely enjoy it. That's me. Disapproval on the other hand has always been really hard for me to take. It fucks with my mind.

I think I'm going to proceed to be a gutter slut for a while. It's been a while since that's side's really come out in words, and it is so me. It's a lot more comfortable than prim and proper ever was.

You have no idea how much I want to taste you in my mouth now and completely loose myself to the abandon of being nothing but a dirty hole for a room full of strangers. That's me at my best and always has been and frankly it's because there really just isn't a whole lot of performance pressure involved in that.